A. Холостяк #23 Colton Underwood

barish

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

GRACE BARRY

Every year, people complain about who the Bachelor is - Nick, Arie, whoever, whomever - and every year I’m like “Guysss, it’s fiiiine! It doesn’t matter who the leaaad is! We watch the show for the contestants!” I thought there was no lead so terrible that I’d ever give up on wanting to watch this show. I was deeply wrong. I’ve never been less interested in anyone or anything than I am in Colton “I’m not giving up on my dream, Dad, I’m giving up on yours!” Underwood. I don’t want to watch this season! Fuck! Seriously? If I wanted to watch a bunch of 23-year-old women try to win the affection of an unbearably mediocre 26-year-old dude whose only qualities seem to be being white and kind of tall, I could literally just go outside. I watch The Bachelor to try to escape from my horrifying romantic life, not watch it all play out in front of me like a shitty episode of Black Mirror.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

Dating in your 20’s is a disaster and that’s my official stance. It’s not fun! It’s not fun because no one knows what they want and everyone seems disposable and it’s so much easier to lie in bed and watch proposal videos on Instagram than it is to actually go on a date and have to make small talk with someone whom you don’t like and whom you don’t know and whom is probably on Tinder under the table. And you’re patting your night cream into your face and you’re like “it’s fine, I’m young, I’m so young” and then the 21-year-old you used to babysit announces that she’s engaged in a Snapchat story.
This is all to say: I don’t want to watch Colton’s season because it’s literally what I’m experiencing in real life. I know exactly what it looks like to have a conversation with a 26-year-old who washes his hair with shower gel and thinks it’s noble to defend Aziz Ansari, and to look at this person and very seriously think “I don’t know, should I just marry you so I don’t have to freeze my eggs?” Colton in particular is so young and so insecure and seems to have some real shit to work through. He seems… deeply broken. He is not, by any measure, ready for a lifetime commitment.
26-year-olds in general are not ready for a lifetime commitment! I know this for a fact because I am nearly twenty-five and cried this morning when my Amazon Echo couldn’t understand what I was saying. You think I can take that kind of communication deficiency to a lifelong partnership and expect it to go well? ALEXA! Give me a fucking break!

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

CAITLIN

Caitlin brings Colton a red balloon which is decorated to look like an apple, pops it, and says “Now that I’ve popped your cherry…” Of all the virginity-themed limo exits (and there were many), this was the worst.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

DEMI

Demi is the first one out of the limo which is… super interesting. Producers pick their frontrunners to come out of the limo first (and last), and even if the person they pick turns out to be a dud, they can easily edit around it (example from the archives: Britt on Chris Soules’ season came out of the limo somewhere in the middle, but was shown exiting first). Anyway. The reason I say this is “super interesting” is because Demi is not just a beautiful blonde in a silly dress, she’s a beautiful blonde in a silly dress who says the sentence “I have not dated a virgin since I was twelve” on national television. This is deeply disturbing to me for many reasons, not least of which is that my hunch is not that Demi has been banging it out since the seventh grade, but rather that she’s only ever dated much-older men. At another point in the episode, Demi offhandedly says that her mother “had to go to federal prison” like her mom’s at the DMV or something. Lots to unpack here.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

CATHERINE

Catherine… gives… Colton… her dog? I don’t know how else to say it. She gives him… her dog. Like she hands him a dog and is like “this is your responsibility now.” She says that if she can trust Colton with her dog, she can trust him with her heart. This is profoundly upsetting. Who is actually going to take care of the dog?

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

TRACY

Tracy arrives in a police car with sirens blazing - which, aren’t there laws against that? - and announces that she is the Fashion Police, which is interesting considering that she is wearing… what she is wearing.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

KATIE

Katie, who is very pretty, performs a card trick for Colton in which she takes… his V-card! How did you guess???!?!?!???

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

ERIN

Erin arrives in a Cinderella carriage, which like, why.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

NICOLE

Nicole tells Colton - in Spanish - that half of her heart is in Havana, but half of it is with Colton. Seconds later, she reveals that she is not actually from Havana, she’s from Miami.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

COURTNEY

Courtney offers Colton a “sweet Georgia peach,” which was absolutely purchased moments before this shoot from an Agoura Hills Safeway.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

ERIKA

Erika’s last name is MCNUT and her friends call her NUTTY and she gives Colton a BAG of NUTS!

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

Elyse is 31, which is admirable, but she won’t win.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

LAURA

Laura’s big plotline is that she’s wearing the same dress as someone else.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

ANGELIQUE

Angelique’s dress is, I think, very pretty and striking. She gets almost no air time. Sad.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

DEVIN

Devin is very beautiful and has a real job and wears a legitimately interesting dress, all of which will likely add up to a swift elimination.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

CAELYNN

Arrives wearing a dress that might be pretty, but who knows, because it has a giant MISS NORTH CAROLINA sash hanging off of it like a limp squid. Caelynn turns the sash around to reveal that it also says MISS UNDERWOOD!

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

ONYEKA

Onyeka - whose name is actually several syllables longer, though we don’t spend much time on that - watches Colton stumble over her name in a way that is profoundly Midwestern. She laughs and says that Colton looks like a snack. A snack of unbuttered toast, girl, but sure.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

ANNIE

Colton asks Annie how many points you score in a touchdown, Annie cheerfully answers “Six! Seven with a kick!”

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

HEATHER

“Never Been Kissed” is not just the name of an excellent 1999 film about teachers developing inappropriate crushes on their students, it’s also the listed occupation of Heather, 22. Heather tells Colton that he is “incredibly rare,” which probably means that he has the darkest hair she’s ever seen. Heather has never kissed anyone despite looking like a sexy American Girl doll and seeming to be pretty socially competent, which indicates to me that there is some spooky Jesus stuff going on. I am… excited to see how this plays out.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

KIRPA

I always wish these extension-ed and ombré-d girls would wear their damn hair up with their evening gowns, but I actually wish Kirpa had worn her hair down! Her dress is tight and sparkly and the updo looks way too stiff. She was the only woman in the history of this show whom I’ve felt could actually benefit from some glossy waves.

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)

barish

TAHZJUAN

Tahzjuan apologizes to Colton because her name is “so hard to pronounce.” Which it’s not! It’s two syllables! Hard to spell, maybe, but not pronounce. If white people are going to force everyone to get on board with names like “Braxtyn” and “Kinsley” and “Lakynn” then we can all learn how to pronounce “Tahzjuan.”

__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)