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Американский Холостяк #20 Ben Higgins

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Старый 10.02.2016, 01:58   #1026
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продолжаю блог Бена...
I hated hurting her and felt awful but didn't know how I could fix it in this moment. I really just asked her to try to enjoy the day and that we could talk about it that night when we didn't have a 100-lb. pig butting into our conversation when we were trying to talk seriously (I'm not kidding either … there was one pig that would not leave us alone). Plus at this point I was so on-edge about spending too much time with any one girl after everyone seemed so upset about me and Lauren B. … I don't know. I guess it's safe to say my mind was spinning at this point, and it really felt like I couldn't do anything right.
The ride back to the mainland from the island wasn't shown, but it was really uncomfortable. Girls were completely avoiding me and whispering to each other most of the way. I actually was worried that many of them might leave once we docked, and I half expected some of them not to come to the after party that night. Maybe more than any other time in this entire journey, I felt like I had possibly ruined everything. I had let these women down and maybe there was no repairing it.
But I decided as I was getting ready for the night that I needed to step up and fix what was wrong. I couldn't risk losing these amazing women, and I needed to take this problem head-on. It's why you saw me come to the party with such a sense of purpose. I didn't want to hide from the problem, I wanted to address it and repair it if there was any way to repair it.

It wasn't just JoJo and Becca and Leah either. Lauren H. was obviously upset. Amanda seemed extremely upset too. Really the only person that didn't seem upset was Lauren B.
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“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 10.02.2016, 03:49   #1027
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I started talking to each of the women, one by one. I wanted them to know that I cared, that I didn't expect to be chased and that I was willing to put in the work needed to fix things with them. I've said before how much these women had come to mean to me and they needed to know that. And to know that if something was wrong, be it that today or in our potential future as husband and wife, I wasn't going to run from it. And after talking to each one of them things seemed better. I wasn't sure that all the issues were cleared up, but I definitely felt like we were back on track.
That was until my conversation with Leah. Her telling me that Lauren B. was not who I thought she was another game-changer. It felt like Mexico City with Emily and Olivia all over again. Was anyone here being honest?! Was I just being duped by a bunch of great actresses?! I really started to question everything.
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Старый 10.02.2016, 04:59   #1028
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But if I learned one thing from Mexico City with Olivia, it was that I needed to address this head-on, just as I had done with the other women that were upset with me that day.

So when Lauren B. sat down, I brought it up immediately. I am not sure after everything that had happened in the past week that I would have been able to hide it anyway, but either way I needed to figure this out.
Lauren B.'s reaction was what I hoped it would be though. Lauren was bewildered that anyone could think that about her, and I could tell she was truly hurt by it. I feel like if I had someone say something like that to me I would react the same way and that meant something to me.
Despite that, I was still shaken by the accusation. Mostly because it meant that one of those girls was not being honest, and I truly cared for them both. I didn't know what I was going to do yet but like with Olivia, I felt like I needed more time to figure this thing out.
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“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 10.02.2016, 05:07   #1029
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What was important to me, though, was that I gave Amanda the rose that night. It was one of those nights where I truly felt like I wanted to reassure every single one of those women, but I felt with Amanda that perhaps I had taken for granted how wonderful and sweet she always is. And I wanted her to know that I noticed and that I still saw something with her moving forward.
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“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 10.02.2016, 05:13   #1030
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When Leah knocked on my door later that night I was surprised but in a very good way. I actually really appreciate it when women make the effort to do something extra. I feel like every relationship should be filled with that on both ends so I was excited that she was here and that we could make up for some of the time that we hadn't yet had on a date right there.
But the longer it went, the more I realized that we weren't doing that at all. Instead, we were talking more about Lauren B. And while I really do appreciate it when a woman cares enough about me to warn me of a mistake I may be making, the longer this went, the less it felt like that.
And if I am being honest with myself and with Leah, I wasn't sending her home for what she said about Lauren B. It was more about the fact that I saw that OUR relationship wasn't moving forward at all. And it hadn't been for a while now. And the fact that we were sitting here talking about another girl, no matter who that girl was, instead of focusing on us, was just another sign that we had not progressed as a couple since the first week or so. And that was a problem.

I promised these women that if I ever knew that I didn't see myself with them I would let them know the instant I knew that and not lead them on or keep them from their homes and families a second longer than necessary. (I had also asked them to afford me that same courtesy if they felt I wasn't the one for them). At that moment in the conversation I knew that Leah and I were not meant to be together. And that if I didn't tell her then, I would just be telling her at the rose ceremony in a couple days. So despite the awkward timing, it was best for both of us if I said goodbye right then and there.
Ughhhh!
__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 10.02.2016, 05:23   #1031
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So all this, and I still had a two-on-one date to look forward to the next day. Now I am sure that was an awful thought for Olivia and Emily as well, but I was nearing my emotional breaking point by now.
It was only the excitement I had to see two women that I really liked that kept me in good spirits despite how I knew the day was going to end. I hated the idea of this two-on-one date, but this past week had taught me one thing: When there is conflict, it is best to face it head-on. I knew Olivia and Emily had issues with each other, and I thought the best way to make a decision was to have a true side-by-side comparison of my feelings for each of them and make a final decision. It was important to me that this was not about Olivia vs. Emily though. It was going to be about Ben and Olivia and Ben and Emily. Nothing more. And I knew those two women would respect that.
Of course the weather, which was the result of a nearby hurricane threw a kink into all the plans that day. We were supposed to take a seaplane ride over the islands and then land at a perfect little private island for us to spend the day on. The storm reflected the mood of that day however and even when the weather cleared up enough to fly, the seaplane wouldn't start when the girls got in it. As much as The Bachelor is about cool experiences, safety is obviously the priority, so like with the storm in Las Vegas cutting short the helicopter ride I had planned with JoJo, we decided the plane was not worth the risk.
Unfortunately it also meant we would get less time together. By the time we got the boat and had me ride over to get the women and then off to the island, I knew there was little time to waste.
__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 10.02.2016, 05:44   #1032
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My conversation with Olivia there reminded me what I liked about her. She was sweet and confident and poised. She put her heart on the table and I can't tell you how much that means to me. But she told me that she loved me in that moment. And those are very serious words to me. Very serious. The second she said them I fell into myself and started examining how I really felt for Olivia. Whether or not I felt like I could say those words back.
Talking with Emily after that I really remembered what I liked about her though as well. I just can't sit with Emily and not smile. She's so endearing and so honest and fun it just is impossible not to. But on top of that, what she was telling me was very meaningful. Sometimes with how fun Emily is, it's easy to dismiss how emotionally intelligent and self-aware that she is. That she knows she has a lot of growth left and that she wants me by her side as she grows as a person really meant a lot to me.
But as I went back and I knew the moment of truth was at hand, I still couldn't get what Olivia said to me out of my mind. She was in love with me. I knew I wasn't in love with her, but could I be?
One thing I feel really badly about was that I picked up the rose when I went to go talk to Olivia. In all honesty, I'm not really sure why I did that. There were so many other things on my mind that it must've just been instinct as I knew I was making my decision and I usually pick up the rose when I do that on other dates. But this wasn't like other dates. Another mistake and one that I regret to this day. Told you, far from perfect.

I think I said it all with what I said to Olivia. Even if I took away all the controversy of last week in Mexico and disregarded the previous red flags that didn't come to my attention until much later, I just couldn't see myself as her husband. This past week had caused me to really step back and take myself out of the bubble that I had been living and dating in to re-examine what I was really here for. It wasn't about having fun with a bunch of great women. It was about finding a wife. I told myself going into this that I would act with intention at every turn and like with Leah the night before, I knew then that Olivia was not the one for me. And I owed it to her to tell her that right then and there.
__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 10.02.2016, 06:43   #1033
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I want to stress, however, that after watching this back and hearing all the criticism and actually KNOWING Olivia from personal experience rather than watching her from afar, she really is a good person with a huge heart. Far from perfect like myself? Absolutely. And I am sure there are some mistakes she would admit to and things she would do differently if she had the chance to go back. But she did it all in an effort to find true love. She may not always say the perfect thing, but when you really get to know her, she is a great woman that I will always be grateful to have met.
__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 10.02.2016, 07:00   #1034
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After that, I won't lie, I was spent. I could not handle another cocktail party. Not emotionally. Too much had happened already this week. So while I knew it was hard for the women that may have felt the need to express something more to me, I knew what I needed to do. All of this re-evaluating my priorities that week I knew that I needed to look at this amazing group of women and decide who actually could be my wife and who I just needed to say goodbye to.
It went through my mind at one point that I would send no one home. And just take the remaining group to our next spot. But I knew I had to be honest even if it was hard. And despite what was a great date the week before in Mexico City, deep down, I think I knew that Lauren H. and I were behind where I was with the other women. And that as much as she meant to me and as much as I enjoyed my time with her, she was not my wife. It was really that simple. I could see a future with the other women there. But I knew that if I gave Lauren H. a rose tonight, I would be breaking her heart in the future. Maybe not next week or the week after, but definitely before this whole thing was over. She's too good a woman for that.
So there you have it.
__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 10.02.2016, 07:19   #1035
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I think this is my longest blog (which is saying something because I tend to be a bit wordy), but it was also the most emotional week I faced the entire time. Until the final one. I know you guys got a little sneak peek of what is to come, and it doesn't even do it justice.

The emotion and agony I faced heading towards that final day still haunts me to this day. When I decided to be The Bachelor, I never ever imagined it would end like this. I'll save all that for when we get there because I don't think I have it in me to get into all of that and the two "I love you"s right now. It's just too much.
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“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 10.02.2016, 08:16   #1036
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But if you think this is going to get any easier, think again! Next week we go to a place that is closer to my heart than any other place in the entire world. My hometown of Warsaw, Indiana.

Another week that changes everything for me in so many ways. The emotion of being home, seeing what my life would actually be like with these women. Not to mention that it is this week that I make the decision whose families I will be going to meet. And with a single mother of two still someone I am seriously considering, that is not something I take lightly. The Bahamas may have been the most emotionally exhausting week that I faced on this journey, but next week may have been the most important in a lot of ways.
So get some rest, Bachelor Nation: It only gets harder from here!
__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 10.02.2016, 23:26   #1037
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Шарлин о 6 эпизоде:
Wow, last night was intense. Four girls getting cut in a mere two hours seems record-breaking for some reason. They were dropping like flies!

Watching Leah unravel last night was positively captivating. I know that sounds terrible, but truthfully, she made great television. (ну не знаю, не знаю, мне не понравилось! :ph34r: )
I am aware producers were behind the scenes poking and prodding her insecurities to bring out the worst in her. But to see her go from quiet, little-airtime, nice girl to that girl—the one who knocks on Ben’s door to specifically talk trash about her seemingly sudden nemesis, Lauren B.—felt like some detective case in need of solving. It was a reminder of the cliques in the house. No matter how friendly all the girls seem, they’re there. This was one of many moments where I felt frustrated that so much time this season has been dedicated to Olivia being the villain. It’s been hammered home that Olivia was not universally liked. We get that. But the house dynamics are fascinating to me and I feel robbed of the footage necessary to have seen this coming. Why doesn’t Leah like Lauren B.? Was she just flailing and grasping at straws, as girls often are when they know they’re close to going home? Is Lauren B. actually two-faced? Or was Leah so insulted to have not gotten a one-on-one that she simply wanted to punish Ben by planting the seed of doubt about a clear frontrunner? My money’s on the last theory.
I said in my All The Pretty Pandas recap last week that the “going after what you want” mentality never works on this show. If Leah didn’t stand out to Ben by laying low, she wasn’t going to stand out by being aggressive. And thus, when she did become aggressive, she was promptly sent packing.
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Старый 10.02.2016, 23:42   #1038
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In a way, I have sympathy for Leah. When I think back to Episode 6 of my season, Clare, like Caila, was the first recipient of a second one-on-one. But the big difference is that every girl there had had a one-on-one at that point, so no one was upset about it. Feeling invisible is something contestants, even frontrunners, struggle with, so to have that feeling validated must be awful. However, Leah broke a few too many cardinal rules in her explosive exit.

First, we know talking trash about another girl rarely works in your favour. Leah may have temporarily marred Lauren B.’s pristine resume, but she ruined her own reputation by becoming the girl who backstabs. Second, she lied through her teeth on national television, saying she hadn’t said something we’d just seen her say. Lying might work in real life, but in real life cameras aren’t broadcasting your every move. Third, she insisted she just wanted Ben to get to know her, yet used her valuable private time with Ben in his villa to continue to talk about Lauren B. Again, I know all too well about the puppeteers in the wings. But in the end, Leah played the villain with too much gusto for us to feel too bad for her.
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“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 10.02.2016, 23:57   #1039
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As for Olivia, while I saw her departure coming, I couldn’t believe there was so little talk as to why. For a woman to whom Ben had given so much validation, he certainly couldn’t be bothered to specify why he was leaving her stranded on an island.

Perhaps it was the fact that they seemed to be in the middle of a tornado and he wanted to run for cover. Or maybe “deep, intellectual things” are not Ben’s jam. But considering how much of each episode has been dedicated to Olivia seeming like a frontrunner and upsetting the women, her dismissal seemed seriously glossed over.
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Старый 11.02.2016, 00:02   #1040
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<center></center>
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“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 11.02.2016, 00:04   #1041
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My frontrunners this week are…

1. Lauren B., 25: When Emily talked trash about Olivia, Ben ended up giving Emily the 2-on-1 date rose and sent Olivia packing. When Leah talked trash about Lauren B., however, Leah was the one sent packing. Ben really likes Lauren B., and the fact that their chemistry is so obvious that other ladies are getting upset means what we’re seeing through our TVs is accurate. There’s an electric, pheromonal, same-wavelength something going on between these two.
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“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 11.02.2016, 00:08   #1042
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2. Caila, 23: The day portion of Caila’s second one-on-one was mostly turned into a montage (to the tune of Leah’s teary voiceovers), but their evening conversation sadly wasn’t. Frankly, I don’t know what these two were talking about. But they do have fantastic chemistry—Ben can’t keep his hands off her—and the fact that Ben was turned on and not off by Confusing Caila means he must really like her.
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“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 11.02.2016, 00:23   #1043
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3. Jojo, 24: There wasn’t a ton of romance between Ben and Jojo this week, but their time in the water on Paradise Island said it all. Ben sought out Jojo’s thoughts on the day’s awkwardness and told her she’s the one who just “gets it.” I’ve always loved the natural bond these two seem to share.
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“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 11.02.2016, 00:30   #1044
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4. Becca, 26: Whenever there’s no airtime of Ben and Becca together, I sort of forget about them as a couple. But together, when their conversations are actually shown, there is a natural rapport and understanding there. Becca’s always a class act, and she was very diplomatic yet honest in telling Ben how it was difficult to watch him and Lauren B. together. She said their connection was obvious but she never came off angry or bitter, just cautious for her own feelings. In the reverse of Caila, I’m still waiting to see their chemistry catch up with their good conversation.
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Старый 11.02.2016, 06:05   #1045
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__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 11.02.2016, 06:32   #1046
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__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 11.02.2016, 06:36   #1047
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Jubliee with her mom:
__________________
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Старый 11.02.2016, 06:52   #1048
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__________________
“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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Старый 11.02.2016, 07:28   #1049
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компания, в которой Шарлин смотрела 5 эпизод у Майка:
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Старый 11.02.2016, 07:45   #1050
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“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that something was wrong with me.” (c)
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